filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
