well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
