The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
