I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
