He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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