Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i believe in u and ur pee
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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