Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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