I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
