And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
