Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
