K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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