we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
