i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
