im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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