smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
