Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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