I could make wine with my vomit
only if we run a train.
done.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
