I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
