bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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