I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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