That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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