i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
