its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
