u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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