oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just gargled with NyQuil
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
