I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
