So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
