Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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