i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
