it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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