i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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