Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
