Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
