I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
