the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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