u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
