i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
