I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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