chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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