she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
