Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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