if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
