My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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