did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
