it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
