Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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