Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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