I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
