I'm pants shitting drunk right now
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
