this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
