I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
